Dear Brownie,

Although it hasn’t even been 48 hours since we said goodbye it feels like forever. I have so many things I would like to say to you that I don’t know where to begin.

I remember when we first got you from the SPCA. You were so tiny you fit perfectly into my 8 year old hands. You curled up behind my back in the car to keep warm, probably nervous and sad to be away from your brothers and sisters that you just left behind. I like to think the next 15 years of your life that followed made up for it all.

You are so special to me, to all of us. You are kind and gentle soul that is so full of love and you taught us all more than a thing or two. I want to thank you for being so protective over us, over this house, the yard, YOUR yard. You never made another doggie friend and never wanted to because you had us and that was all you needed.

The first thing you did whenever you saw any of us was run to the refrigerator. Sometimes it got to be really annoying but man, I would give up the world to see you wagging your tail with your face stuck in there again. It still amazes us that you lived such a healthy and full life from all the people food we used to give you. I loved when something was really hot and we would have to tell you to wait to eat it and you’d listen. You understood every word we said to you. You would look up at us with those brown eyes and wait until we gave you the go ahead to chow down.

You were so nosey. Always wanting to see who was here, what we were talking about, following us around. I just wish I could take back every time I told you to go lay down or not right now because I would do anything to see you standing next to me, nudging at my leg to pet you. All of us would. God, I miss you.

You loved your blanky. You loved MY blanky. Thank you for the countless holes you put in it. I guess I could blame Rob for that one since he would use it to play tug of war with you. I hope yours is keeping you nice and warm and there is a dryer wherever you are that can fluff it up the way mom used to for you. I’m sorry that I cut off some pieces of it but mom, Kath and I want something of yours so you’ll always be with us. I don’t need a piece of blanket for that but it makes me feel good to hold something that you loved so much.

I confided in you and cried to you countless times. You always listened, never saying a word, but never failing to make me feel better. Any time I needed a friend I knew where I could turn. I had such a strong bond with you and you never had to say a single word. You gave me the truest form of unconditional love that I have ever experienced which is just another reason why you are so special to me, why you are irreplaceable.

It took me a few hours to come downstairs yesterday because for the first time in 15 years I knew you wouldn’t be waiting at the bottom of the steps for me. The feeling I keep getting of walking down those first few steps then realizing you aren’t going to be there hurts in a way I can’t put into words. Not seeing you in the corner by the door breaks my heart a little more each time I look. I keep turning around expecting to see you there, snuggled up with your green blankets, fast asleep or looking up at me waiting for me to call you over.

I’m afraid for time to pass because that means it’s one more minute that I haven’t been able to see you, to scratch your ears, massage your back, rub your belly. I want to sing your song to you, call you all your nicknames in my weird voice, which just isn’t the same without you by my side. The house is empty.

Thank you for waiting for me to so I could say goodbye, lay with you one more time and feel your warmth. You were so weak and it hurt me so much to see you like that, Brown. It just isn’t the wup I have grown to love so much. I know you felt our sadness and hung on so hard for us. You tried so hard to pick up your heavy head, to smile and pretend you were OK. The hardest decision we ever had to make was taking to you the hospital but we knew it would be selfish to keep you any longer. I hope you weren’t scared. I hope we comforted you in the same way you tried to comfort us.

I’m sorry that we didn’t get to spend as much time together as we used to before I moved away. I wish now more than ever that I came home more weekends, took you on more walks, laid with you a few minutes longer. I wish I took you to the park more. Why did I stop doing that? I feel so selfish right now but I hope you can forgive me. I know you will because that’s just how you are.

I keep looking at your pictures. I wish I had more of you when you were a puppy. I am so lucky to have all these memories with you, ones that I can’t even write down because they are too good to put into words. I hope I get the chance to be with you again someday. I promise if I do I won’t ever leave your side. Until then there will always be a piece of my heart missing. You are the perfect wups and I know there won’t be a single day that goes by that we don’t think about you or miss you.

I hope you like your spot in the back. We are going to fix it up really nice for you. I will sleep with your blanky every night and hold it close to my heart – where you will always be. Please visit me in my dreams soon, Brown. I really miss you. I don’t know how much more of this my heart can take.

Everyone keeps saying how lucky you were but I think we were the lucky ones. Thank you for coming into our lives and making every day spent with you a little more special than the last. You weren’t just a dog to me; you were my family, my brother. I love you forever, Brownie. I hope you’re eating good, wherever you are.


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